Parents of thirteen- and fourteen-year-olds say it in almost identical words: “a year ago he told me everything, now I cannot get a sentence out of him”.
Withdrawing is a developmental task
During adolescence, building a separate space of one’s own is work a teenager has to do. A closed door is not a message saying “I don’t love you”, but “I need somewhere that is mine”. A parent who survives this without withdrawing from the relationship stays within reach for the moment when they will really be needed.
What opens a conversation, and what closes it
- Side by side, not face to face. The car, washing up together, walking the dog. A conversation without eye contact is far less demanding for a teenager than being called to the table.
- Ask about a thing, not a state. “What did you do in history?” stands a better chance than “how are you feeling?”.
- Silence after the question. A few seconds longer than is comfortable. Filling the silence with another question ends the conversation.
- No instant advice. A teenager who hears the solution before they have finished talking will not start next time.
When it is no longer ordinary adolescence
The line can be blurred, but some signals call for a response rather than waiting:
- withdrawing from everything at once – including things that used to give pleasure,
- a clear change in sleep, appetite or weight,
- marks of self-harm,
- sentences about things being pointless, about how “it would be better if I weren’t here”,
- a sharp drop in marks combined with giving up rather than with rebellion.
What about confidentiality
This question comes up at every first consultation with the parent of a teenager. In Poland, a person under 18 needs the consent of a parent or legal guardian in order to use psychological help. The conversation itself, however, is the teenager’s own space – the parent is given the direction of the work and recommendations, not an account of the session. We agree clearly at the start, with both sides present, what is passed on and when.
If you need to talk right now, the free helpline for children and young people 116 111 and the Support Centre 800 70 2222 are open around the clock. If life is in danger, call 112.
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